Suppressing The Surreal

I’ve never had an experience whereby I could sense that someone was going to die. 

It is of course possible that this inkling was formed through bits and pieces of information that was fed to me throughout the past few weeks.

My grandfather passed away last night. He was 89 based on the Chinese calendar, something which I have yet to figure out. Exactly a week ago, I felt the urgency, which culminated in the urge to shoot some portraits of him. I knew that he didn’t have much time left, and the whole atmosphere of the nursing home made it all the more difficult to conecptualise on the spot portraits that would enable his loved ones to remember him in their own little ways. 

Last night was an extremely surreal experience. The weathered ivory face that I saw covered with a linen cloth just did not resonate with the Grandfather I had seen barely a week earlier. I was winded for a split second, and I tried my best to suppress the emotions welling up within me.

I have never done that well.

I did, however, try to rationalise that it was for the best. I brought myself back to reality, and reminded myself constantly that it is an inevitability. There was no point wondering where he is now, but to only hope that he suffers no more, neither from the sicknesses that plagued him during his last days, nor the multiple quarrels he had to endure with the deadbeat sons he fathered.

While at the wake today, I had concepts in my mind of how I wanted to remember this process that so many people go through just because. For simple reasons like tradition, culture, and religion – and oftentimes obligation. I framed shots mentally, but somehow wasn’t able to whip out my camera to document how I wanted to remember him at this very moment. I do hope I will be able to accomplish that tomorrow.

Here are the three pictures placed near the altar.

I hope you can see the pain as I did, albeit with a glint of satisfaction at the slightest change in routine. Tantamount to incarceration, from my experience.

 

 

 

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